A letter to the boy I love..

I am going to start off by saying I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for my past. For giving my heart away one too many times as you were there waiting the whole time. For having a twisted perception of how men should treat woman. For not having trust in you some days. For sometimes feeling like I’m not appreciated. I’m sorry for what I presently am. For constantly searching for more instead of being patient for our time to come. For not listening and constantly overthinking myself into anxiety. I’m sorry for my future mistakes (that I will make). For not submitting to uncontrollable situations. For letting my emotions drive me at times(or all the time). For believing lies and not listening to truth. For not following through on things I may promise to you.
But more than that I’m sorry for you. For the expectations you know I already have, you know, the ones you feel like you have to meet but know you won’t always be able to. For feeling like I’ll always love you more than you can show me your love. For your past hurt, whatever that may look like, and every time I’ve hurt you up until now.
So I’m sorry, but there’s more. I’m scared.
I’m scared for the bad times that I know we’ll have because we already have. For not living up to your expectations.For being all you ever know as love. For being a bad wife or mom when it’s that time. For fighting. For possible financial stresses, even though I know that ultimately does not matter right now. I’m sorry and scared, but what do I feel the most? I’m excited.
I’m excited to meet you in our future. I’m excited for you to experience my awkwardness everyday of our life. I’m excited for the mountains we have to climb together. For the jokes and laughs that we’ll continue to make. For the happy tears. For our future children, if God blesses up with some. For cooking dinners for two instead of one, and then three, and then four. For dancing and singing in the kitchen to songs we both love. For the deep conversations late at night. I’m excited for the valleys we’ll trudge through together. For the trials that will shape our relationship further. For the times that we can only get through because of our love for each other. For the times where all we can do is turn to one another. I’m sorry and scared and excited. Maybe our future will never happen the way I wish. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll happen exactly as I imagine. If not, if my future involves you, it will be nothing but perfect!
Love Always,
Your (possible) future wife

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